Quest System Logs
by Mendeia
Summary: In a family of computer scientists, hackers, and gamers, certain hilarity is inevitable. This is just one collection of the notes/emails, hacks to IRIS's verbal command protocols, requisition requests, and QuestWorld cheat codes that can be found on the Quest system. Oneshot.


So, this is the sort of thing I write when I need to giggle for an afternoon. Given a family of computer scientists and experts, I can't help but imagine that the Quest system has some genuine hilarity buried within. This is just one collection of the notes/emails, hacks to IRIS's verbal command protocols, requisition requests, and QuestWorld cheat codes.

Enjoy!

* * *

Giant shark attacking Tampa again; bring harpoon. – Race

-==OOO==-

 _Verbal Input:_ "Provide weather forecast" or similar.

 _Add response to automated results for temperatures above 80 degrees Fahrenheit:_ "You might as well be walking on the sun."

 _Add response to automated results for temperatures below 20 degrees Fahrenheit:_ "Ice, ice baby."

-==OOO==-

Jonny, your package is in and it's yowling at Bandit. – Jessie

-==OOO==-

Jessie, your mom called. I told her you have malaria. – Jonny

Jessie, I called your mother back and told her Jonny has a terrible sense of humor. – Hadji

-==OOO==-

 _QuestWorld Cheat Code:_ "Blue Man Goop"

 _Effect:_ Turns opponent irreversibly blue in all avatar incarnations for following six logins.

-==OOO==-

 _Requisition request submitted by JQ:_ Minions. Preferably of the adoring/worshipping-the-ground-I-walk-on type. Skilled in basic mechanics and programming. Proficient at homework and forging handwriting.

 _Requisition request denied by BQ:_ Not in a million years, kiddo.

-==OOO==-

Attempting to activate my latest invention. If you hear the fire alarm or any screaming, please come quickly! – Benton

-==OOO==-

Debriefing in DC on Tuesday. Don't cause any more diplomatic incidents until then! – Race

-==OOO==-

 _Verbal Input:_ "Locate Jessie Bannon" or similar.

 _Add response to automated results:_ "Not in Kansas anymore."

-==OOO==-

The house network is now un-hackable! – Jonny

No. It isn't. – Jessie

-==OOO==-

 _QuestWorld Cheat Code:_ "Chicken Dance"

 _Effect:_ Target's avatar is replaced by a continually dancing chicken. All abilities and skills remain unchanged, but vocal communication is limited to "bwak!" and "buck-buck-buck."

-==OOO==-

 _Reminder:_ Bandit's vet appointment Thursday.

 _Sub-reminder:_ Jonny lost the bet with Jessie last week so he's on his own this time.

 _Supplemental sub-reminder:_ Don't forget the stool sample.

-==OOO==-

Jonny, remove the "Zombie Master Survival Plan" from our actual disaster-readiness documentation and put it in your personal pages or at least the recreation area. Zombies are not a likely crisis we will need a plan to avert or survive! – Benton

Actually, I'm with the kid on this one, Doc. We've seen weirder things and it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Jonny, I added a section on weaponry and tactics. – Race

-==OOO==-

 _Requisition request submitted by HSQ:_ Assistants for lab work and research. Knowledge of chemistry if possible. Familiarity with local high school courses necessary.

 _Requisition request denied by BQ:_ Did you really think I can't tell when you steal your brother's login, Jonny? You're cleverer than that, son. I expect a better attempt next time.

-==OOO==-

To whomever goes to the store next: please purchase a new toaster. I do not know who took the claw-hammer to the current version, but it will not toast anything any longer unless we extend the definition of "toast" to include "charcoaled ashes." – Hadji

...Sorry. – Race

-==OOO==-

 _QuestWorld Cheat Code:_ "Limbless"

 _Effect:_ Removes legs and arms from target or opponent. Does not impact attack capabilities, but does force target or opponent to use a hopping torso motion to move through environments otherwise traversed on foot.

-==OOO==-

The next person who teaches Bandit to urinate on governmental agents will be grounded for a year. – Benton

You can't ground Race, dad! And it was him all along! – Jonny

Oh yes I can. – Benton

I'd like to see you try, Doc. – Race

Race will not be using the computer system for the next two weeks. Please leave him actual notes in the interim. – Hadji

-==OOO==-

 _Verbal Input:_ "Display results on monitor" or similar.

 _Add response to automated results:_ "Your wish is my command, oh great and wise master."

-==OOO==-

Notice to all inhabitants: Readiness drills will be run at random times throughout the next month. Sleep whenever you can on account of at least four planned night drills. And you might want to shower in a bathing suit just in case because "I was naked" is no excuse not to battle terrorists or other threats to the compound. – Race

Can I move out for the next month? – Jessie

Nope. – Race

Can I have permission to stun anybody who runs around during a drill naked before I am mentally scarred for life? – Jessie

Yes. – Race

-==OOO==-

 _Requisition request submitted by JB:_ Sign for the lab stating "Gleefully rewriting science textbooks since 1964!"

 _Requisition request approved by RB:_ I think Benton spitting out his coffee laughing counts as an approval on this one!

-==OOO==-

 _QuestWorld Cheat Code:_ "Because Pirates!"

 _Effect:_ All commands to IRIS and IRIS's replies must be translated into 'pirate speak.' For example, in order to equip a sword, the verbal command must approximate: 'Yar! Gimme a proper blade for swashbucklin' these here bilge rats!' IRIS's programmed response: 'Aye, captain!'

-==OOO==-

Jonny, we've been over this. Ectoplasm does NOT wash out and it ruins the washing machine. Stop putting those jeans in the laundry! – Benton

In defense of Jonny, I believe that pair was from the encounter with the interdimensional being, not a ghost. – Hadji

Same difference. – Benton

Of all people, Doctor Quest, you should know that the chemical and biological properties of interdimensional residue bears little to no resemblance to those of earthly phenomena. – Hadji

I believe I have taught you too well, son. Still, I approve of your dedication to accuracy. – Benton

Way to go, Hadj! I owe you ice cream for this one! - Jonny

While you're out, please buy yourself some jeans not contaminated by anything that gunks up the washer. – Benton

-==OOO==-

 _Verbal Input:_ "Please repeat, IRIS" or "IRIS, what was that you said?" or similar.

 _Add response to automated results:_ "All your base are belong to me."

-==OOO==-

Meditating in the lighthouse. Please do not disturb me unless the compound is under attack or Jonny attempts to cook dinner without adequate supervision. – Hadji

-==OOO==-

 _Requisition request submitted by JB:_ Target for larger firearms practice.

 _Requisition request approved by RB:_ Approved, but we're not going much bigger any time soon, Ponchita. Unless you start working on rocket-launchers.

 _Requisition request denied by BQ:_ As much as I respect you both and as much as I would like to affirm my support for Jessie to grow up strong and capable – PLEASE STOP encouraging her!

-==OOO==-

 _QuestWorld Cheat Code:_ "Face/Off"

 _Effect:_ Swaps face of target avatar with image of the user's choice. For example, Jonny can swap Race's avatar's face for Scooby Doo.

-==OOO==-

Kid, you cannot run faster than me. – Race

I can try! – Jonny

For those curious about that crash and the subsequent shouting, that was proof that Jonny did not succeed. – Benton

-==OOO==-

Hey, Hadj - I saw this and thought you might be interested. – Jessie

I must confess a certain confusion. While I entirely sympathize with your plight as the sole woman in the household, I am an unfortunate contributor to the problem. – Hadji

Oh, you're not a problem. Actually, nobody's a problem. I stopped caring forever ago about being the only girl. It's not like that really matters, you know? – Jessie

Then may I inquire why you sent me the article? – Hadji

It wasn't the article. It was the picture underneath the article. The one with all the...you know. – Jessie

Ah. Now I see. Yes, I am indeed very interested. I think it would go very well with the "decor" in Jonny's room. – Hadji

If by "decor" you mean "disaster." – Jessie

Yes. That as well. – Hadji

I'll bring the tacks. Think we can hang it high enough he can't get it down for a while? – Jessie

Between the two of us, my friend, I think we could hang it such that no one save Doctor Quest himself could remove it without taking down the wall. – Hadji

Shall we? – Jessie

I'll distract Jonny and meet you in ten minutes. Bring all the glue you can carry. – Hadji

-==OOO==-

 _Verbal Input:_ "IRIS, provide directions to" or similar for any given location.

 _Add response to automated results:_ "When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness…"

-==OOO==-

WHICH OF YOU MENACES CHANGED IRIS SO NOW I GET THE ENTIRE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE EVERY TIME I NEED DIRECTIONS? – Race


End file.
